I agree with the expert's opinion, but I found a way that might be workable (please note the emphasis on the conditional).
The trick would to get rid of the time series in the report. Thus:

The question is how to populate the columns without going nuts with LookupObjectUnitValue() calls.
Something I have tried in the past is downloading your original report as a table with Datalink, and then using that as the basis for a report that wouldn't have time in the Columns section of the report. I don't have time to do that, but I'm pretty sure it could work.
Good luck, @Jenny Franklin and thanks to @Alex Allan for the insight.
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